YOU MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO AOL IF....

(I cannot take credit, or blame, for most of these - just compiling is all)

You find yourself staring at your "inbox" waiting for new e-mail to arrive.

You communicate with people on other continents more than you do with your own neighbors.

You promise yourself that you'll only stay online for another 15 minutes, at least once every hour.

You have never actually met your best friend.

Your wife calls you to dinner by posting to alt.food

You think faxes are old-fashioned.

You get up before the sun rises to check your e-mail, and you find yourself in the very same chair long after the sun has set.

You forget to eat for three days.

You forget to sleep for a week.

You religiously respond immediately to e-mail, while your regular mail-box is overflowing.

You can rattle off your E-mail address at any time, but have forgotten your house address.

You sit down at the computer right after dinner and your spouse says, "See you in the morning."

You leave yourself e-mail before you go to bed to remind you what to do when you wake up.

You're constantly shouting at your kids for using the phone for stupid things...like talking.

You get a Cell Phone & know that its the only Phone that WILL EVER RING!

You set up a web-cam as your home's security system.

You've had to go to the bathroom for the last four hours, but have been too busy to go.

At parties, you introduce your spouse as your "service provider."

You develop a liking for cold coffee.

Your computer costs more than your car.

You go outside and look for a brightness knob to turn down the sun.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your glasses have a web site burned in on them.

You refuse to go to a holiday resort because it has no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that holiday, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

You're surprised to learn that there's also a 2 o'clock in the AFTERNOON.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as 'downloading'.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at A-O-L dot com."

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV

You regularly purchase memorabilia from a Web site.

All of your friends have an '@' in their names.

Your dog has its own home page.

You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

You haven't talked to your parents for years, because they aren't on AOL.

You eagerly await the update of the "Cool Site of the Day."

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You don't know the sex of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

Someone asks you what the weather is like where you live, and you go to http://www.weather.com/ rather than look out your window.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You actually believe in the concept of a "paperless" office.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the taxi driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You invent another identity and talk to yourself in empty chat rooms.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

You get a tattoo that says "This body is best viewed with Netscape 2.0 or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when trying to sign on...because you never sign off.

You start tilting your head sideways when you smile : )

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line.

The TV has been broken for three months, and you never noticed, and you don't really care.

You laugh your socks off at this COMPLETE list and your spouse stops laughing and starts to look worried 'cos you've not admitted a LOT of things!!!!!

Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged on in two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your local access number. You try to hum to communicate with it.

You succeed.

Tech Support calls YOU for help.

Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

You keep begging your friends to get an account so you can hang out with them.

You see an attractive person in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to send an IM.

You keep forgetting that there is a "Real" world.

You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.

When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "YELLING" at you.

Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.

You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.

When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word 'i' should be capitalized.

You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.

Your three-year-old starts preparing his own meals.

When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"

You wait for your wife to fall asleep, so you can go sign on without her knowing.

You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.

You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.

You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name similar to your own.

You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying rather than admit you were on-line all night.

You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you won't be on-line for a day or two.

You marry your cyber-girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.

You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

Your dog leaves you.

You sign on and immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.

You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark the locations of people you have met.

You meet an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

Your spouse kisses your neck while you're chatting and you think , "Uh oh, cyber sex perv".

You go thru "withdrawal" during dinner

Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.

You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.

You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.

You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.

You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

Your answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".

You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

You want to be buried with your computer when you die.

You want to be buried with your computer when IT dies.

You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

You dream in "text".

You send someone a virus for calling you a 'Newbie'.

You double-click your TV remote.

You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a chat room.

You stop speaking in full sentences.

You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who was online".

You have a vanity license plate with your screen name on it.

When meeting a stranger, you ask for an age/sex/location check.

You hear voices in your head saying "You've Got Mail!" and "Welcome!"

After a hot date, you go to your separate houses so you can 'Cyber'.

You pass on the senior prom because it means being away from your computer for three hours.

You turn down a job because their computers don't have modems.

You don't know what year it is.

Your heart soars when you hear the "You've Got Mail" message.

You name your dog after someone you've met on-line.

You take a speed-reading course so you can keep up with the scrolling

Someone breaks into your home, and you don't call 911 because that would mean signing off

You wake up screaming because you had a nightmare that your account was TOSsed.

You get the 'you have been online for 1823 minutes' message.

Your mouse breaks, so you learn how to tab through the sites.

You know all of the access numbers for your area by heart.

All of your house plants have died from water deprevation.

Your current hobby is trying to graft a modem to your brain.

You enter a chat room and everyone says, "you, AGAIN?!"

You are reading this at 4:30 in the morning.

Your chair has a permenant imprint of your butt.

You do a little dance when you finally get connected.

You call your kids by their screen names.

Your kids need to wrestle you to the floor and pry the mouse out of your hand with a crowbar in order to use the computer for their homework.

Food is splashed at least three places on your keyboard, since you have more meals with your on-line friends than you have with your family.

The bookmark in the novel you began to read the day before subscribing to AOL is still on page 12.

People who call you and actually get through think that they have the wrong number.

'Redecorating' no longer means shopping for new curtains or re-painting the bedroom. It means going to the Control Panel and changing screen colors. And 'Spring Cleaning' means purging old mail and your personal filing cabinet.

You go into a music store and ask for a 'wav'

You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word processor.com

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Your spouse makes a new rule: 'The computer cannot come to bed.'

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.

When you are reading a book, you look for the button to take you to the next page.

You are able to justify the need for nine E-mail addresses

You E-mail your wife more often than you talk to her.

You stay in college for two extra years, because they give students free internet access.

You try entering your password on your microwave

Your daughter announces that she's selling girl scout cookies, so you create a web page for her to sell them through.

You know what http:// actually stands for.

bonus song for visiting this site!

Happily Addicted to the Web
(sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Author unknown

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
I'm happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's a beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
I'm happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered Letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Here's a link to a web site with computer-related humor--->MacKiDo/Humor/

Other Humor Pages of Mine:
Britney Is Dead
What I've Learned From The Movies
King David's Ponderables
You Might Be A Michigander If...
Religious Jokes

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