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Biblical Top Ten (and other)
Lists
Top 10 signs that you are in the wrong church: 10. The church bus has gun racks. 9. The church staff consists of senior pastor, associate pastor and sociopastor. 8. The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version. 7. There is an ATM in the lobby. 6. The choir wears leather robes. 5. The worship services are B.Y.O.S. (bring your own snake). 4. Communion is a two-drink minimum. 3. The pastor regularly attends meetings in Las Vegas and Atlantic City. 2. The ushers ask, "Smoking or non-smoking?" 1. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor. |
Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Be Different If God Was A College Student 10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold. 9. The Ten Commandments would actually only be five, double-spaced, and written in a large font. 8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling. 7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. 6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov 5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. 4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon. 3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes. 2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, we would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. |
Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers 10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! 9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons! 8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper! 7. Shadrach! Meshach! Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace! 6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day! 5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays! 4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11) 3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17) 2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?! 1. Jesus! Do you think you were born in a barn? |
Top Ten Things You Never Hear In Church 10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 8. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. 4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early. 2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign! |
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!) 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night. 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that." |
The Top 13 New Religions for the 21st Century 13. The Cult of Saint Pamela, "Our Lady of the Anatomical Enhancements" 12. X-TREME RELIGION!!! 11. The Holy Lillith Church of the Minor-Keyed Female Vocalist 10. Joe-piscopalian 9. Star Trek - The Next Denomination 8. Leonardo DiCatholic 7. Branch Hansonians 6. Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel 5. Microsoft Second Coming 99 beta 4 4. Two words: Jesus Spice 3. Harry Caray-Ishna 2. Crystal Methodist 1. Hey Judaism |
Good News and Bad News for a Pastor
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote
it.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly
the same way you do.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
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Supposedly True Stories Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am." A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A young girl answered: "Because they couldn't get a babysitter." A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones." Rev. H.J. Dick, pastor of Emmaus Mennonite Church near Whitewater, KS, came to the end of a very heavy day at the New Year's Eve midnight service. Getting his tongue tangled, he announced, "Let us now stand and sing, Another Dear is Yawning." On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' " A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran
up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore, where a sea gull lay
dead in the sand.
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when
he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how
do you know what to draw?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up,
I'm going to give you some money."
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
A woman decided it was time that her three sons get baptised. So, after weeks
of suitable instruction one bright Sunday morning they were on their way
to church where the three boys, 8, 9, and 11, would have their sins washed
away. The 9 year old was particularly pensive that day, and when she asked
him what he was thinking about, he said, "Mom, I want to go first." A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." A Christian fraternity at UCLA used an advertistment stating, "Join a fraternity that immortalizes a guy who drank, partied with the hearty, and hung out with prostitutes." Seen in the 'personals' section of a newspaper: "BORN AGAIN Christian lady, 43, seeks loving gentleman with the gift of tounges."
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river." One day a church in Wichita, KS had to cancel their Senior Citizens fellowship group because of another event that was coming up. The senior group was named "People Who Care" (PWC) and they met every thursday for a lunch and information meeting. The week they canceled the meetings the program said, "There will be no People Who Care here on Thursday". So much for being a LOVING Church. A heavy snow storm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade-school teacher asked her students whether they used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher, " one boy responded, "I just prayed for more snow." A pastor was talking to a hard-working woman who was devoted and present at all the services. He expressed his thanks for seeing her so attentitive in attending the services. "Yes," she said, It's such a rest after a long week of work to come to church, sit down on the soft cushions, and not think about anything." The old pastor made a habit of visiting the parish school one day a week. He walked into a 4th grade class where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40. He jokingly told them that in his day, they knew the names of all the states. One youngster raised his hand and said, " Yes, but in those days there were only 13." In early Philadelphia, an old Quaker was shopping in town when a runaway horse and wagon destroyed a vegetable stand. People gathered around and told the vendor how sorry they were. The quaker took off his hat and placed five dollars inside. "I'm sorry five dollars worth," he said and began passing his hat around. A small boy told his Sunday school teacher: "When you die, God takes care of you like your parents did when you were alive - only God doesn't yell at you all the time. |
The differences between Jesus and Windows95
Jesus walks on water
Jesus sits in judgement at the pearly gates.
Jesus started life as a carpenter.
Jesus was born in a manger
Jesus is remembered for protecting the weak.
Jesus was raised from the dead.
Jesus performed great works for the multitudes
Jesus has no sin. |
Supposedly True Items In Church Bulletins Don't let worry kill you --- let the church help. Thursday night --- Potluck Supper...Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Boxer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Boxer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday, the ladies' "Liturgy Society" will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers. The third verses of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All." The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary. 8 new choir robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!"
Sermon Outline: Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication. Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo" Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford" Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board. As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. Fifth Sinday is Lent. Thank you dead friends. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas. The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working... Volunteers are needed to spit up food. Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess We pray that our people will jumble themselves. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." Tonight's Bible Study Subject: "HELL". A warm welcome awaits you. Morning service – Parable of the ten virgins. Evening service – What can one man do? O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation. Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church. After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor. Children will be led in sinning and Bible study. Chili Supper Tonight. Bring your own bowel. Volunteer needed to work in the nursery. Sheets need to be cleaned and dried each wee. |
LETTERS TO GOD FROM CHILDREN - The world's most honest theologians
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD,
Dear GOD, |
Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. Try to raise one eyebrow. Crack your knuckles. Twiddle your thumbs. Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice |
The statements below were written by actual Sunday School students. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. |
Church Bulletins and Signs "No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace." "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins." "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!" An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribedand a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!" "People are like tea bags--you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee." "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!" "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright." "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday." "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily." "How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?" "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives": "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world." "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin." "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church." "If you're headed in the wrong direction,God allows U-turns." "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again." "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon." "This is a ch_ _ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R) "Forbidden fruit creates many jams." "In the dark? Follow the Son." "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up." "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd." On a New York convalescent home . "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church" |
YOU MIGHT BE IN A REDNECK CHURCH IF . . . People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and half of the congregation stands up. The restroom is outside. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of". A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale." The church directory doesn't have last names. The pastor wears boots. There is no such thing as a "secret'' sin. Baptism is referred to as "branding.'' There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. The final words of the service are "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!" |
Paul's Chain Letter To The Corinthians 1.The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians. With love all things are possible. This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter - providing you in turn send it on. 2.This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the Gentiles or superstitious peoples of other denominations you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things. Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up. 3.While visiting the household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss. But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal. 4.Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth. 5.Do note the following: Crispus had the gift of prophecy, and understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so that he could remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing. 6.In AD 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she spent a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible. 7.Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never faileth. |
The Number of the Beast OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:
•$665.95...............................Retail price of the Beast |
Modern-Day Prayers
**Lord help me to relax about insignificant details
**God help me to consider people's feelings,
**God help me to take responsibility for my own actions,
**God, help me to not try to RUN everything.
**Lord, help me to be more laid back,
**God help me to take things more seriously,
**God give me patience,
**Lord help me not be a perfectionist. **God, help me to finish everything I sta **God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
**God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.
**Lord keep me open to others' ideas,
**Lord help me be less independent,
**Lord help me follow established procedures today.
**Lord, help me slow down Amen. |
JESUS and ELVIS - Coincidence, or Cosmic Plan? JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop. JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956) JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio. JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25). ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965). JESUS is the Lord's Shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd. JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. JESUS fasted 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast). JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37). ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957) JESUS was first and foremost the Son of God. ELVIS first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings. JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. Mary, an important woman in JESUS' life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS' life, attended Immaculate Conception High School. JESUS' "countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3). ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns. JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. Matthew was one of JESUS' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of ELVIS' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute) JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters. No one knows what the "H" in "JESUS H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if ELVIS' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron". JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. JESUS wore a crown of thorns. ELVIS wore Royal Crown hair styler. JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state. JESUS said, "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit" (Luke 23:46). ELVIS sang "Return To Sender". JESUS is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate. ELVIS' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV. JESUS taught that His followers should love Him. ELVIS sang "Love Me Tender". After His death, JESUS was seen by over 500 followers. After his death, ELVIS was spotted in a Burger King in Kalamazoo, MI |
Hymns for those weak in faith I Surrender, Some There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings Fill My Spoon, Lord Oh, How I Like Jesus He's Quite a Bit to Me I Love to Talk About Telling the Story Take My Life and Let Me Be It Is My Secret What God Can Do There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following Just As I Pretend to Be When the Saints Go Sneaking In Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus A Comfy Mattress Is Our God Self-Esteem to the World, The Lord Is Come Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound Go Tell It on the Speed Bump Special, Special, Special Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word Praise God From Whom All Affirmations Flow My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past I Lay My Inappropriate Behavior on Jesus Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name! When Peace, Like a Trickle I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives We Give Thee but Still Think We Own What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus My Faith Looks Around for Thee Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good Blessed Hunch Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness We Are Milling Around in the Light of God Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style |
THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Joshua: "Good Vibrations" Peter: "I'm Sorry" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy" |
Satan's new marketing slogans for hell All the sweatin', none of the Richard Simmons. No cover charge for politicians and lawyers. Hey, it can't possibly suck worse than a life without sin. Come for the suffering, stay for our fabulous salad bar! Heated lava pool. We'll leave the lake of fire burning for you. Just like work -- only worse! It's not the heat, it's the eternity. Radio Bolton -- All Michael, All Day, Every Day, For All Eternity Unlike Heaven, we don't care if you wear pants. Come meet your favorite Hollywood stars! Did Somebody Say McDammit? 99 percent Osmond-free! Welcome "Ye-Of-Little-Faith" Conventioneers! Get in line now for the O.J. Simpson autograph booth! You've come the wrong way, baby. Wimps Wear Wings. Your Blistered Butt: It's What's For Breakfast, For All Eternity. Free ice skating after Al Gore's election. Can 10,000 Nazi Stormtroopers Be Wrong? As seen on the UPN Network! Just did it.
There: World-renowned goody two shoes Mother Teresa; Butt. Fry. Er. Gideons stay free. Go ahead, be bad -- our love is unconditional. Lemme hearya say, "HELL, YEAH!" Let's See Dean Martin Top *This* Roast! Official Sponsor of the Salt Lake City Olympics Three tosses for a dollar at the Darwin Dunk Tank! We love to fry, and it shows! Welcome to Wal-Mart! Where every section is a smoking section! Chock Full o' Nazis!!! Every time a gun fires, a demon gets his horns! Full refund if the temperature ever drops below 295 degrees! George Burns and Adolph Hitler agree: it's even warmer than Florida! Hellacious and Satan-riffic! Hot! Hot! Hot! It Don't Mean A Thing, if it Ain't Got That Indescribable Pain and Torture of Eternal Damnation Mmmmm, mmmmmm, bad! Now showing on all screens at Purgatoryplex 16: The Avengers Now with 1/3 more misery! Satan, Hitler and the guy who invented landmines. Can you say, "Par-tay"? See where everyone's been telling you to go!! We're Six Feet Closer to Your Coffin! We're looking for a few bad men. Windows 2000 Gold Level Partner Billions And Billions Served Coming this summer: Tommy Bartlett's Lava Spectacular!!! Could you see both Fran Drescher *and* Celine Dion set aflame every night in a mere Las Vegas show? Hell, all your friends are here! Like Minneapolis, but with a better baseball team. Twoallsteelbullwhipsspecialchainsfiresclubspokersmonstersinanendlessvoid
"Hey, Mussolini! You've just been defeated in World War II! What are you
going to do now?" After being married to Hillary all these years, you'll enjoy the warmer climate. Getting here is *all* the fun! Hell: When you absolutely, positively want to strangle the next angel who plays the harp again. Just Where Did You Think Those Good Intentions Were Going To Get You, Chester? Melts in Your Mouth, *and* Melts Your Hands! None of that annoying angel-wing dander. Now Under New Religious Fundamentalist Management Now, 20% more Brimstonier Screw The Blair Witch Project; if you want to sit in the dark listening to screaming and crying, call us! Where do *you* want to burn today? You deserve eternal damnation today. You asked for it, you got it! |
The Signs Jerry Falwell's Summer Demonizing Tour has
Begun Begins giving surreal speeches in which Marilyn Manson and Teletubby Tinky Winky are mentioned in the same sentences. Tells children, "Just because he's from Tasmania, doesn't make him any less a devil." Sends a congratulatory wire to bud Pat Robertson for somehow managing to piss off the entire nation of Scotland. Joins Oral Roberts, Jim Bakker, and Ernest Ainsley on the 46-city "Monsters Of Piousness" tour. For no apparent reason, damns everyone on line at Mr. Softee ice cream truck. Now there are two labels to look for on your tuna: "Dolphin-safe" and "Satan-free." Passes out firewood and matches at Lilith Fair concert in Salem, Massachusetts. Boycotts the New York Times for its "the _____ mightier than the sword" crossword clue. Just had his sphincter re-calibrated for maximum retention. Has begun the agonizing task of listening to all of Jewel's songs backwards. Burger King now offering a Hellfire and Brimstone Family Meal for $6.66 just to get some free publicity. Jar Jar? Gay gay! Basketball team at Falwell's Liberty University giving up lucrative game with Duke Blue Devils and adding Salem Junior College Fightin' Witch Burners to schedule. Big-haired, heavy-makeup groupies spotted outside his tour bus. Claims that eternal hellfire awaits Fourth of July picnickers caught *enjoying* deviled eggs. He's nearly sold out of the "I'm with the Sinner " T-shirts. His "10 Most Demonic" list includes the girl who turned him down for Senior Prom and a video store that charged him a late fee. Keebler Elves, fearful of being exposed as merciless minions of Satan, flee in terror from secret tree trunk temple in mid-goat-sacrifice. Marilyn Manson has taken to wearing a Baptist-proof vest at concerts. Play his voice backwards and you can just make out "Reason is dead... Reason is dead..." Training with little rubber hammer to hone his knee-jerk reaction times. "Foghat" locked out of all good dates for their usual tour venues. Arranges baseball game between Anaheim Angels and New Jersey Devils just to prove his point. Bunny ears + vague resemblance to devil horns = Energizer boycott! Claims God is punishing Bob Dole for letting Liddy out of the house. Claims anyone who gets "prickly heat" must be a homoerotic deviant. Claims to have documented proof that Sarah McLachlan is a voter-registration-card carrying WOMAN! Emphatically states he would never buy ice cream from a "Dairy Queen." "Fredrick's of Hollywood? Sounds like a cross-dressing demon store to me!" Hundreds of costumed characters, including Disney's Goofy and the San Diego Chicken, demand a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" clause be added to their contracts. Ignores bad guy Darth Maul, but denounces Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan for their obvious homosexual relationship. Suddenly, no network will cover Robbie Knievel's next stunt, now that he's been identified as "the Progeny of Evel." The Muppets are suddenly acting clean and sober. Tinky Winky has gone into hiding at the British Embassy in Washington. |
Stories appearing only in the Redneck Bible Daniel in the Cheatin', Drinkin' 'n' Lyin' Den "...and even though the people begged to be let upon the Ark, Noah did give them the finger." Joseph-Bob and the Amazing Rhinestone-Studded Belt Buckle of Many Colors Sodom and Hey, That Feller's Lookin' At You Funny Again! "...and Bobbi Sue begat Uncle Rufus, and Uncle Rufus begat Jo Beth, and Jo Beth begat Cletus..." Moses leads a mess o' kinfolk through a sea of red necks. Jesus turned the water into Coors Light... and nobody noticed! "...and Jesus did moan and wail and gnash his teeth for he knew not the steps to the Sandal-Scootin' Boogie." "...and on the seventh day, God created JET POWERED FUNNY CAR RACES AT THE COLISEUM!!! SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!" As Moses stumbled out of the saloon, he encountered a burning tumbleweed, which to his surprise, spoke to him. How Jesus got lost in the woods and got sore tempted by the Devil, but Charlie Daniels came and won the Devil's fiddle off him so he had to go back to hell. Moses is told by the burning bush to "Take them boots off -- you're on divine dirt!" The parting of Crystal Gayle's hair "Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. And when she finds it, she inserts it into the box of juke and plays a Patsy Cline record..." "Then Jesus blessed the pulled-pork sandwiches and the chili, and the multitude did eat its fill." Adam and Eve are expelled from the K-Mart Garden Shop. And lo, the assembled multitude did fit in the bed of the Lord's Chevy Silverado. God had Himself a saloon. When he saw his patrons actin' immoral-like, he opened the draft beer taps until the floor was flooded. But, bein' the kind of guy he was, God told his best customer, JoeBob, that He was fixin' to flood His place, so JoeBob made himself a raft with a Confederate flag for a sail. Jesus heals Billy Ray of Cyprus' achy breaky heart. Moses Gets His 'Druthers Moses brung back the Top 10 List o' Country Commandments: 1. Ain't no killin', lessn' you a gummint, etc. The Last Line-Dance The story about how "David threw his datebook over the fence, bought him a new one for five or ten cents, kept it 'till it was old and covered with age, 'cause he wrote Bathsheba's name down on ev'ry page." The feeding of the masses with one little ol' chicken-fried steak, a mess o' greens and some hog jowls. "...and I reckon thou oughtta keep yer hands offa thine neighbor's truck over yonder, also." The story of Jacob and his brother, Purty Mouth Dan. David vs. Goliath in the Monster Truck & Tractor Pull "...and Jerry Lee did spilleth his seed upon his cousin." The Parable of the Willing Sheep Jim Bob explains to the Game Warden that all them fishes in his boat just up and multiplied. "...and Jesus approached the tomb and yelled: 'Lazarus! Get your bony butt out here, boy!'" Noah and his Big-Ol' Bass Boat "You call them wounds? I'll show you wounds, you lyin' sack o' manna!" said Doubting Tom, reaching for his shotgun. Moses parts the Mississippi so the Senior Citizens' bus can make it to Branson. Foxworthy 3:16 -- "You Might Be An Israelite If..." "A farmer went out to sow. And as he sowed, some of the seed fell on hard earth and was eaten by the birds. And the farmer did blast the birds to kingdom come with a 12-gauge, pump-action shotgun." "While they waited for their loaves and fishes, Mary Lou Magdalene came out with her hair teased up all big-like and her blouse tied up in front and entertained the crowd, which was most appreciative, bein' mostly men and all." Jesus-Bob goes hog wild on them money lenders and runs right over 'em with his Chevy 4x4. Judas: Greedy two-bit good fer nuthin' scoundrel or yella-bellied lilly-livered scoundrel? Moses and the Ten Commandments high above the golden calf roping competition. The story of Jonah, who got swallowed by a whale -- right after his wife left him and his dog died and his truck was repo'd. "...and they did looketh unto Paula with the big hair, and turneth to pillars of salt." "40 years in the desert, and now mine wife hast left me and done taken mine dog." "The Virgin LeAnne Rymes gives birth to Jesus in a wheatfield." After wondering thru the desert for 40 years, Moses and his followers finally came upon the land of milk and honey, and they called it LAS VEGAS! Mary Magdalene weren't no Sunday School teacher, but she stood by her man. Moses gets mighty pissed when he catches the Israelites worshipping a Billy Ray Cyrus statue sculpted out of Coors cans and Skoal. Moses parts the sea of cars on the front lawn The No Good, Low Down, Prodigal Son - Lost his job, crashed his truck, ran out on his wife and comes crying home to his Pa, only to find his room turned into a smoke house. The Parable Of Johnny Lee and the 5 Chevy Short Blocks The Parable Of The Good ol' Samaritan The Sermon on the Saddle on the Mount The crowd chooses to save the moonshiner Bubbabas. |
Miracles not mentioned in the Bible The Plague of the Hickeys The Parting of Don King's Hair And in these gospels did many sentences begin with the word "And," yet the Net-Grammarians remained silent. The Supersizing of the Multitude under the Golden Arches Moses' mother lets him wander around the desert for forty years without calling or visiting her in Miami Beach even once. Methuselah weds Anna Nicole Smith at the age of 893. Apprentice Savior Marvin helps a blind man to hear. Jesus becoming a brown-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian, despite having been born a Middle Eastern Jew. The Parking of the Ark The first plague: the relatively unsuccessful Plague of Guilty Pangs. The partially-successful raising of Keith Richards from the dead "And that night, did the Lord turn the sky dark until morning." Drought, sure. Famine, oh yeah. Plague, certainly. But how about the forty days and forty nights of that huge cloud formation reading "Pharaoh Sucks!"? Just hours before vacating Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot puts the toilet seat down for the first time. King Solomon suggests infanticide, yet his approval ratings just keep going up! Moses splitting infinitives. The Feeding of Oprah The Plague of Insipid Pop Divas The curing of Samson's male pattern baldness. |
Dear Pastor... Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good
boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon
about something.
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father
didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about
a raise in my allowance?
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church
every week even if she has a cold.
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother
won't be there.
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved
it to Disneyland.
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more
important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California
tomorrow.
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's
help or a new pitcher. Thank you.
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't
think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my
class.
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was
finished.
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you
tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? |
Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Pearly Gates (borrowed from The Top 5 List) "You stuck a knife in the toaster? Boy you *are* a doofus." "Before we go on, you might want to change into something a little less flammable." "Bet you're regretting all those Falwell jokes now, aren't you?" "Hey, Saint Augustine! Saint Ignatius! Look! It's Gary, the kid who peed all over himself during the 1982 Kennedy Elementary School Christmas pageant!" "Hey, aren't you the guy who wrote that 'Who Let the Dogs Out' thing? God's been waiting for *you*." "I can't let you in because God doesn't believe you exist." "Take a seat. It'll be a few minutes -- God's helping a high school football team in Texas." "Just because Moses didn't write down 'Thou shalt honor Pauly Shore' doesn't make it God's fault." "Oh, I wouldn't worry about the heat -- the fall will probably kill you." "Okay, so you're a nice guy. Now watch as I flip to the page containing the number of people executed while you were Governor of Texas." "You donated your organs? Sorry, you're going to need those! Wait in the foyer until ALL your parts are here." "Boy, Aquinas is gonna be tweaked at this one. He had $50 bucks riding on your humanist-based moral code doing you in, when all along it was incident with the goat and the tequila." "Security!!!" "Everyone else might want to move to another cloud for a minute..." "Everything seems to be in order...wait, I see from our report from Amazon.com that you were a fan of Dr. Sagan? Well, Monkeyboy, I got your 'Demon Haunted World' coming right up." "Hey, would you give this to Hitler when you see him?" "I should warn you: St. Peter had a huge fight with his old lady last night and he's in a *really* weird mood today." "Larry? Yeah, it's Pete, up in front. Listen, do me a favor? Bring up this guy's record of sins... volumes 1 through 12. We'll do the rest tomorrow." "On the bright side, you'll be with all the other lawyers." "You can call it experimentation, but as is clearly stated in Leviticus, it is an abomination. And I may add, a particularly icky example it is." "{ssshhh... stay down and don't let him see you through the window...}" "Hey. It wasn't the Ten Suggestions." "Hi! Welcome to Disney's Heavenland resort." "Looks like we can squeeze you in, after all, but you must promise not to disturb your roommate -- L. Ron's working on his next novel." "Of course that's Yanni music. God's a big fan. In fact, that's all we play here." "Oh, that's just an old wife's tale, we actually take *everybody*! Unless of course you've eaten mint chocolate chip ice cream recently. HE just hates mint chocolate chip ice cream." "Oh, you must be the new janitor." "Remember last February when that Volvo driver cut you off on Highway 129? That was a test." "Sorry, it'll be a minute. Windows Dominae just crashed." "Sorry, keypunch error -- it was actually your wife's boyfriend we wanted to take." "Who let Little Ms. Destined-to-be-a-Briquette in here?" |
One-liners and points to ponder Religion is for those who fear hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there... "And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords" -- Alan Wilson Watts A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization. Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth. A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac: one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog... Photons have mass!!?? I didn't even know they were Catholic... Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods. On an atheist's tombstone: Here lies an atheist; all dressed up and no place to go. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die! A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about? If the devil is putting obstacles in your path...then you're on the right path! Anyone who turned water into wine can't be all bad. In tennis, love means nothing. In Christ, love means everything. If you were arrested for being a Christian would there be enough evidence to convict you? God does not call the qualified.....He qualifies the called!!! You can give without loving, but you can't love without giving. "God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee." Sometimes you don't know that God is all you need...until God is all you have |
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