During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
People in foreign countries don't speak foreign languages. They speak English with a foreign accent.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day or Chinese New Year parade - at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's only concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Everybody knows how to operate a motorcycle, manual transmission, and large trucks.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. Once suspended, a friendly associate will be able to get the cop any info he needs because "he owes him one" unless the associate is a woman, in which case, sex is enough to pay back the favor. Once the hero breaks the case, he will be automatically reinstated without an investigation, no matter how many laws he broke in the process of solving the crime. And his badge and gun are always in the chief’s desk drawer while he’s suspended. And the chief is either black or Italian.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired. And they will always begin the story at the exact second you turn on the TV.
A cat will always jump out of a closet or trunk and squeal and hiss at suspenseful moments Of course, once they do this, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! Because the next time you hear a noise, it will be a monster or serial killer.
If you ever go for a swim, you will be perfectly dry within minutes after you get out.
If you’re in a car and fired upon by people behind you, don’t worry. They’ll break your back window, but your seat and headrest will stop any bullets from hitting you.
One person shooting at you may hit you. Twenty people shooting at you will always miss.
All computers display easy to understand messages in inch-high letters, especially highly secure government computers.
It never takes more than a second to get an internet connection or to load up a web page.
If you're walking down the street and someone bumps into you, they've either just taken your wallet or planted a listening device on you.
Fallen soldiers don’t die quickly. They give 5-minute monologues while the hero (ignoring the battle around him) cradles the soldier in his arms. The fallen soldiers last words will trail off as he dies.
Grizzly bears live in every forest in the U.S.A. Before they attack, they always stand up on their hind legs and growl menacingly.
Water is always harmless. Falling into a wading pool after jumping out of that 747 will leave you unscathed and with an opportunity to thank any nearby people for letting you ‘drop by’.
Psychos are never products of traumatic childhoods or any brain disorder, they're just innately evil and their motive is usually to play games with you. Also, they all laugh a lot.
When people are chasing you, you can easily evade them by running into an alley and pressing up against the wall. People will just think you're an average lover of fine masonry.
When she says "no," she really means "only in a more seductive setting."
If you’re trying to solve a crime, you’re allowed to commit any crimes you want in the process (grand theft auto, breaking and entering, resisting arrest) without fear of prosecution once it’s all over.
Cops never walk all the way to apprehend suspects, they stop halfway and yell "stop, police!" ensuring that the suspect will take off and there will be a chase.
Whenever you try to use a phone and find it dead, jiggle the little button thingy the receiver rests on and frantically scream, "hello" a few times. This never fixes the problem, but it gives the mad stalker time to close in on you.
All aliens resemble either humans or bugs. Never dogs, birds, etc.
Every high school has at least one student who lives in a mansion and whose parents are never home. This student is, obviously, very popular and hosts all the parties.
Whenever someone decides to write a book, they must first quit their job, then buy a nice country home to move to. They will then load the first page into their typewriter (they never write on computers!) and suddenly get writer's block.
People always wake up from dreams repeating the last thing they said in the dream, over and over.
The detectives in Internal Affairs hate all other cops, and are never justified in investigating complaints of excessive force.
If you ever need to steal the car, look in the sun visor. The keys are probably there. If they’re not, don’t worry. It only takes about five seconds to hot-wire the car even if you don’t have the necessary equipment. Also, the car will have a full tank of gas.
Elevators are always right there on your floor when you need them. Unless you’re being chased, in which case they'll show up just before the monster or madman reaches you.
Falling people always scream. Even if they’ve been shot 20 times and should logically be dead.
A man becomes invulnerable if he strips to the waist.
Buckling seatbelts is for sissies.
Whenever two women get into a fight, they start by pulling each other’s hair, falling to the ground, and rolling over twice.
Cars can take a surprising amount of damage and still run flawlessy.
If you’re involved in a chase, feel free to drive on the sidewalk. People have good reflexes and will always be able to jump out of the way.
Alien spacecraft the size of Australia can be taken out with one well-placed sidewinder missile.
If someone’s chasing you through the woods, hide behind a tree and jump out at him as he is passing you. He WILL pass the exact tree you’re hiding behind. And be sure to yell out as you’re attacking him. He’ll be too surprised to shoot you.
All pilots can fly anything without trouble. Even alien aircraft.
People speak a foreign language either fluently or not at all.
Only one person of each sex is allowed to be interested in a love life. All of their single friends must be interested in helping them find love and are not concerned about their own love life.
Single parent families have the most fun. But their kids are always getting kidnapped.
No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by walking slowly.
Older men always fall in love with younger women. But older women never fall in love with younger men (though they WILL sleep with them).
Rich women will fall in love with poor men, but rich men will never fall in love with poor women. Unless they’re prostitutes.
All electronic equipment is powered by 40 gajillion volts, and explodes very nicely.
Hypnotizing someone only takes a few seconds.
NASA only picks the most outspoken, angriest people they can find to send into space.
Summer camps are open for children from ages five through twenty.
All female showers have holes for boys to look through.
All cowboys are sharpshooters and trick riders.
If a civilization or planet is exclusively female, the citizenry will all be in their twenties, shaped like Barbie dolls, amply use cosmetics, and wear outfits that would make a Victoria's Secret model blush.
People return from the dead in a very bad mood.
A female's chances of survival are directly proportional to the amount of skin covered by her clothing.
If a man and woman ardently and thoroughly detest each other, they’ll eventually fall in love.
Prostitutes are all beautiful and have hearts of gold.
Cars always start on the first try, unless there's a dramatic reason for the car to fail to start. Then they start at the last possible moment.
Every group of criminals has one guy with a family who is trying to go straight, and plans to quit after their current ‘job’.
If you're trying to stop a madman, let him capture you. He'll tell you everything you want to know about what he's trying to do (making it very easy to stop him), and he will then try to kill you in an elaborate way which is bound to fail.
No matter how weak someone is, they can hang by their fingertips from ledges, cliffs, etc. for as long as it takes to be rescued.
Cops running on foot can easily catch up to speeding cars, especially if the cop runs over the tops of parked cars instead of on a smooth, flat road.
Aliens are either very, very nice or very, very wicked. None are just kinda O.K.
Whenever a woman gives birth to twins, one is always evil.
Getting wounded won't slow you down for more than thirty seconds.
If a cop goes into a bar looking for information, he will be attacked by 4 or 5 people. A broken beer bottle and a pool cue will be involved. The cop will kick everyone's butts, but not arrest anyone.
If there's a helicopter involved in a chase, the hero will end up dangling from the skids.
If the badguys are of a certain ethnic group (i.e. Arab terrorists, Jamaican drug runners, Italian Mafia), one of the hero's co-workers will be a member of the same ethnic group. This is to show that not ALL members of that ethnic group are heartless, cold-blooded killers, only about 95% of them.
If someone begins a sentence with "If I didn't know any better, I'd say..." the phrase that follows will turn out to be true.
If one of the villain's henchmen fails at a task, he will be killed, not just fired. Yet the villain never seems to run out of loyal henchmen.
No one ever has to go to the bathroom.
Postmen always bring vitally important letters, never unsolicited catalogues or bills or junk mail.
It never snows prior to Christmas Eve.
Landlords are always able to remember the exact height, weight and hair color of every stranger that ever visited one of their tenants.
If you’re calling someone, you’ll never get a wrong number, busy signal or a recording.
Every hospital maintains a complete spare staff of doctors and nurses that do nothing else but sit around and wait for the next emergency case to be brought in.
Home-made time bombs always explode right on the split second, even if they’re attached to the type of cheap alarm clock that's always inaccurate.
All planes are always completely serviced, fueled and ready for instant departure, just waiting for crooks to show up and steal them so they can make their getaway.
Pay phones always work, unless you’re being stalked by someone.
It’s always easy to determine whether a car is following you or just going your way.
It only takes a few days of training to become an astronaut.
No one that goes to summer camp has ever heard "The Hook" before.
No matter how populated an area, stray bullets never hit innocent bystanders.
If you’re a badguy and you switch sides, you’ll die. If you’re a goodguy and you switch sides, you’ll die. So pick a side and stick with it.
Don’t worry if you ever have to jump through a window to escape. You won’t get cut.
All English people are snooty, evil or gay.
Badguys are easy to spot. They always wear black leather jackets and trenchcoats, even if it's 120 degrees Fahrenheit outside.
There always have to be at least 20 police cars in any car chase. These cars will simply drive one behind the other, until the one at the front hits something. None of the ones behind will have brakes.
Chases in San Francisco will always involve a trolley in some way.
Boats are never left unattended. There is always a grizzled old man sitting in it, waiting to be threatened and/or bribed into letting someone take the boat.
Computer hacking consists entirely of typing really, really fast. Type fast enough and you can access anything.
A space ship’s warp drive will always fail at inopportune moments.
Knocked over tables are bulletproof.
Women always stuff their fists into their mouths when terrified.
Glasses are a great disguise. To mask your identity, you needn't get new clothes or a haircut, just a pair of thick-framed glasses.
Anything a midget does is hilarious. Same goes for monkeys and puppies.
Dogs are good. Cats are evil.
"Condoms" are devices used for one purpose only -- to embarrass teenagers who venture into the local drug store to buy them. They don't actually prevent unwanted pregnancies or venerial diseases, since such things don't exist.
Never play by the rules. An entire police or military force playing by the rules can never stop a band of terrorists. But one lone guy, not playing by the rules, will have no problem defeating them.
If a sports team is primarily white, their coach is black. If it’s primarily black, their coach is white.
Every flea-bag hotel has a flashing, buzzing neon ‘Hotel’ sign just outside every window. And one of the letters is not working properly.
Women believe that compulsive stalking is charming.
If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.
No matter how well a Hispanic person speaks English, he will never be able to say ‘sir’ or ‘thank you’. He will be forced to say ‘senor’ and ‘gracias’ instead.
If someone’s heart stops beating, don’t bother doing chest compressions or anything. Just scream something like: "You never backed away from anything in your life, now fight! Fight! FIIIIGHT!" or "You can't do this to me! I love you, dammit!"
Men never get unwanted facial hair. Unless they drink too much.
Labor never lasts hours and hours. Babies pop out within minutes.
Every jail has a brutal guard and a scheming warden.
One person in every group knows morse code. And even though the person won’t start translating until sometime after the message has started, they will somehow get the message from the beginning.
Even in space, explosions make noise.
If a man is involved in a fight, his girlfriend will just watch instead of trying to help him.
All Oriental people know karate.
When someone is typing on a computer, they never use the spacebar or backspace.
Little girls who wear glasses always tell the truth. Little boys who wear glasses always lie.
Policemen never live to retirement. They always die about three days before.
During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one laying around the next time you need one.
No matter how awkward, geeky, and ugly you are, you'll always score on a road trip.
Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings, especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
If you ever have to search a room for evidence, don’t worry if the police have already been through it in broad daylight with a fine-tooth comb, you’ll be able to find the evidence you need, even if it’s in the dark.
If the phone or alarm clock wakes you up, you’ll always knock it over when reaching for it.
You can always outrun fiery explosions or rushing water.
If someone tells you that your plan will never work, that it’s too risky – this is a sure sign that the plan will work.
Dogs are immortal.
All female scientists are HOT!
If you're engaged, chances are good that a waif-like nymphet is about to wreak havoc with your relationship.
The only people who wear crucifixes are priests, nuns, and psychotic killers.
If you own an outdoor fruit stand, it will inevitably be run over by a car.
If someone calls you one the phone saying he has vital information and asks to meet you somewhere, don't bother showing up. He'll be dead when you get there, and you'll be framed for his murder.
Every children's sports team has one kid who's REALLY fat. So does every school band (he's the one playing the tuba).
If you ever need to steal a uniform, pick any one at random. It'll fit you perfectly.
Anything hit by a bullet will give off sparks, including glass and concrete.
If you ever end up on another planet, don't worry. Their atmosphere and temperature are just like Earth's, so you'll have no problem surviving.
If you're ever playing poker, show your hand after everyone else. Whoever shows their hand last always wins.
Everything Chinese is magical.
People swimming underwater can not only see everything clearly, but can hold their breath for at least ten minutes.
In the future, all clothing will be made of saran wrap.
All single women own cats.
All of life's most important moments come with musical accompaniment. If you're having sex, it'll be a saxophone solo.
You can easily kick someone off of a motorcycle no matter how fast they're going, and you won't get hurt in the process.
When using a torch for light, hold it right in front of your face. It won't blind you.
Crowds in nightclubs always leave room on the dance floor for especially talented dancers.
All caves have smooth, even floors.
Any vehicle, no matter how complicated, can be operated after glancing at the instrument panel for 3 seconds.
The head badguy will always make a suicidal last attempt to kill the hero, no matter how badly he is beaten, so the hero can shrug it off as self-defense.
Vats of deadly chemicals never have lids on them.
Ugly women never need to be rescued.
Large cities always make their buildings of roughly equal height and close enough together that you can jump from one roof to another if you're involved in a chase.
If a man and woman are fleeing a badguy through the woods, the woman will trip over a tree root.
Having his wife go into labor makes every man a blithering idiot.
If you need to shoot through a window, it's better to break it with the butt of your gun than it is to just open the dang thing.
Every teenager has a drainpipe just outside their bedroom that is reinforced to hold their weight.
Every group of cowboys or soldiers has one guy who can play the harmonica.
Bibles, medals, and cigarette lighters stop bullets better than bulletproof vests.
High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work.
In the event of a worldwide disaster, Paris will be the first city to be destroyed.
If you're ever on guard duty and another guard says, "it's awfully quiet out there tonight", the correct response is "yeah...too quiet."
People shot with a gun that has a silencer attached will never scream.
The more evil someone is, the harder it is to kill them.
Soldiers who travel by helicopter never load their weapons until they are aboard the helicopter.
Every high school library has hundreds of books on satanism and the black arts.
When arrested, prostitutes are always mouthy and/or flirtatious.
Bar fights are almost guaranteed if country music is playing on the jukebox.
When a disaster is eminent, there is one person who knows exactly what's going on and what people must do to survive. Everyone ignores this person.
Fat kids don't have real names, only nicknames.
Every firefighter is the son of a firefighter who died in the line of duty.
Your aim is always more accurate if you do a somersault and fire immediately upon landing.
During battles, horses never get hit by bullets.
Hospital administrators don't care about the well-being of patients, only about money.
If a car happens to break down on a railroad track, a train will come along within a minute.
Plans are never so crazy that they're unlikely to work.
Downed power lines jump around like snakes, spitting sparks.
If you're chasing someone who escapes in an elevator, go ahead and take the stairs. Even if you're going up thirty floors, you'll arrive about the same time they do.
Anyone observing a funeral from a distance either has important information about the deceased, or is the killer.
In a sports movie, winning ability doesn't come from practice or natural talent. It comes from someone saying a long, inspirational rant.
In every high school, the three most beautiful girls are good friends and tend to walk down the hallway in sync while wearing matching (and somewhat revealing) outfits, and all the boys stare in awe.
If the human race ever becomes mostly wiped out due to a plague or nuclear war, our lawns will still be well-maintained somehow.
High school nerds are always small enough to be shoved inside lockers.
If an electronic device breaks, just crack it open and splice two random wires together. That will fix it.
In battles, opponents always wear different types of clothing so that everyone knows who's killing who.
There's no such thing as an irreversible coma.
Cheerleaders wear their uniforms all day long, even when they aren't cheering.
Archers always have an endless supply of arrows.
If anyone ever says "Can things be any worse?", they soon will be.
If a group of people get knocked out, they'll all wake up simultaneously.
Every American military unit has a soldier named "Kowalski".
If someone calls a police station and asks to speak to a detective, the receptionist won't bother to tell the detective which line the person is on, but the detective will somehow know.
Cops become more observant if they chew on toothpicks.
No matter how much money you put in a briefcase, it will fit perfectly.
Medieval peasants had filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothing - and perfect, gleaming white teeth.
The insides of elevator shafts are kept immaculate so that you can climb in them without getting grease or dirt on your clothes.
No matter how ugly a teenage girl is, she can look gorgeous if another teenager cuts her hair and buys her new clothes.
If someone fails to kill a monster, he can't try again with the same plan, or even refine the plan. He must come up with a totally different plan.
In courtrooms, objections will only be sustained if the attorney stands up and pounds the table with righteous anger or other dramatic displays of indignity.
On the last day of school, it is required you bust open the doors, run out and jump the flight of stairs while simultaneously throwing all of your papers on the floor.
One blow to the head will cause amnesia. A second one will reverse it.
People on foot who are being chased by a car will keep running down the middle of the road instead of ducking in somewhere where a car cannot go.
No one ever gets spam in their e-mail.
Coughing is a sign of terminal illness.
Public restrooms are more often used for snorting cocaine, overhearing conversations, or having sex than they are for going to the bathroom.
Rope bridges can be quickly and easily cut with any sharp object.
Every computer expert is either black, a teenager, or in a wheelchair.
It's impossible to kill a villain without first killing all of his henchmen.
Any murdered child had dozens of sports trophies in his or her room.
If a rich man and a poor man are competing for a woman, only the poor man actually loves her. The rich man wants her for some other reason.
Here are some other humor pages of mine
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You Might Be A Michigander If...