Religious Jokes

Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
The saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Humor is the best gift of all to give.
-Author unknown

I also made a page of Biblical Top Ten (and other) lists.  Click here to see it.

I also made a page of Biblical riddles.  Click here to see it.

Please note that some of these jokes may be offensive to some people.  There are no vulgarities or anything like that, but those who are very sensitive about their religious beliefs may not want to read on.

A hunter is out hunting bear in the woods. He sees one, lines up his sights, takes a shot, and misses.  The bear sees the hunter and charges towards him.  The hunter tries to take another shot, but finds he's out of ammo. He throws down the gun and starts running away, but he realizes that the bear is going to catch up to him. The hunter falls to his knees and starts praying. He says, "Dear Lord, I ask that you let this bear find some religion before he does me in." He turns around, and the bear stops, falls to its knees, and starts praying. The bear says, "Dear Lord, for this food I am about to receive, I am truly grateful…"

Adam complained to God that he was very lonely. God said, "I can make a woman for you." Adam replied, "What is a woman?" God said "She will be beautiful, never spend your money without asking, bear your children and never ask you to get up with them. She will never have a headache when you feel amorous." Adam asked, "What what will it cost me?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam thought for a moment, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A preacher buys a lawnmower from a neighbor of his, but he can't get it to run. He goes to his neighbor and says, "Why can't I get the lawnmower to work?" The neighbor says, "Oh, to get it to work, you have to curse it." The priest says, "But, I haven't cursed in over thirty years!" The neighbor says, "In that case, just keep trying to start it. It'll all come back to you!"

Did you know baseball is mentioned in the Bible?  In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, and later, the prodigal son ran for home.

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?" The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?" To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"

A priest decides to paint his church one day. He goes out and buys some paint, comes back to the church, and then he realizes that he didn't buy enough paint for the job. He doesn't feel like going back to the store, so he just adds some water to the paint. He looks at the church and decides he still doesn't have enough, so he adds some more water. Deciding he has enough, he spends the whole day painting his church. That night, there's a big rainstorm. When the priest wakes up, he finds that the rain has washed away all of his paint from the previous day. He prays, saying, "Lord God, what should I do?" He hears a voice in the sky, saying "REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!!!"

A wealthy preacher, who has been faithful to God his whole life, is visited by an angel one night. The angel says, "God sent me to let you know that you're going to die in two days. But don't worry, you are certainly welcome in heaven." The preacher says, "That's great. But listen, I know God has this rule that we can't take anything with us, but do you think he could bend it for me? I'd really like to take something with me." The angel says, "Well, I'll ask, but I can't promise anything." The next night, the angel returns and says, "God told me to tell you that he'll allow you to bring a single suitcase, with whatever you want to bring along inside of it." The preacher is excited, but can't decide what to bring. He thinks of bringing along all of his money, but he's not sure what kind of currency they take in Heaven. He decides instead to trade all of his money in for gold, since gold is good anywhere. So he buys a whole bunch of bars of gold with all of his money, sticks it in the suitcase, and the next day he dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates with the suitcase by his side. Saint Peter stops him and says, "Sorry, but you can't bring anything in here." The preacher says, "An angel told me that God said it was okay." Peter says, "Well, if it's okay with God, then go ahead through. But out of curiosity, what do you have in there?" The preacher lays down the suitcase and opens it up, showing Saint Peter all of the bars of gold. Peter gives the preacher a funny look and says, "That's what you brought? Pavement?"

These two guys decide to go ice fishing. They head out, find a nice spot, cut a hole in the ice, and stick in their poles. Suddenly, a loud voice booms from above, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!" The two guys look around, look at each other, and look up, and they don't see anyone. They figure the voice knows what it's talking about, so they get up and find another spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles.  Once again, the voice booms from above, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!" They look around, look at each other, then look up. Again, they don't see anyone.  They find another spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles. Once again, the loud voice booms from above, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!" They look around, look at each other, then look up, again seeing no one.  One of them calls out, "Is this GOD???!!!" The voice responds, "NO! THIS IS THE SKATING RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!"

An old man is sitting on his porch, when suddenly someone drives up in a jeep, yelling, "Quick! Get into my jeep! The dam just burst and this whole place is going to be flooded!" The old man says, "Naw, you just go on ahead. The good Lord will take care of me!" The guy in the jeep zooms off. The water starts pouring in, and the old man has to move up to the second floor of his house. Someone paddles by his window in a canoe and says, "Quick! Get into my canoe! The water is going to keep rising!" The old man says, "Naw, you just go on ahead. The good Lord will take care of me!" The guy in the canoe paddles off. The water keeps rising, and finally the old man is sitting on the top of his chimney, with the water lapping at his ankles. A helicopter flies overhead and lowers a rope ladder down. Someone in the helicopter says, "Quick! Climb up! The water's still rising!" The old man says, "Naw, you just go on ahead. The good Lord will take care of me!" The helicopter flies off. The water keeps rising. The old man drowns. The old man finds himself before the Lord in Heaven. The old man says, "How could you let me drown! I trusted you!" The Lord says, "Hey, I tried. I sent a jeep, a canoe, and a helicopter for you!"

There is this guy who's always been poor, and one day he decides to pray to God that he could win the lotto. He prays and prays, but doesn't win. Every day, he prays to God that he could win the lotto, and it never happens. One day, when he's very old and frustrated, he gets on his knees and says, "Look, God. This is the last time I'm going to pray. PLEASE let me win the lotto, or at least tell me why you aren't letting me win." Suddenly, an angel appears before the man and says, "Look, sir, could you do God a favor and at least BUY A LOTTO TICKET???!!!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He devoted his life to Santa.

A preacher repeatedly heard from his friends about the joys of playing golf on Sunday. Sunday players got a discount, they said, yet the golf course was never overcrowded like it was during the rest of the week. It was so peaceful, that a person could really concentrate on his game. Being a man of the cloth, of course, the preacher worked on Sunday. But, also being a avid golf fan, the preacher found the temptation to try the Sunday game strong and persistent.  Finally, the preacher gave in. He called his assistant to say he was sick and to turn the sermon over to him. Then, he grabbed his clubs and headed for the golf course. The day was sunny and bright. The course was peaceful and quiet. His friends were right. Sunday was a perfect day to play golf. But, up in heaven, God and his angels were watching the preacher as he set up his first tee. "God," said the smallest angel, "You have to do something about this! The man is a preacher! This isn't right!" "Don't worry," said God. "I've got the situation well in hand." The preacher took his swing. THWAK!!! The ball wisked through the air straight and true as an arrow. HOLE IN ONE!!!!!!! At the second hole, the preacher takes a swing, and gets ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE!!!!!! Finally, after all 18 holes, the priest has gotten a hole in one at EVERY HOLE!!!!! "But, God!" cried the smallest angel. "This is terrible! How could you let him get a hole in one every time, when he shouldn't even be playing golf today?" God turned to the angel with a smile. "Who can he tell about it?"

There was this little boy who lived in a Catholic boarding school. One day he went to a nun and said, "Hey I would like to have a brand red bike." The nun said, "I'll tell you what. Tonight when you go to bed you get on you knees and ask God if you can have a brand new red bike." So that night the little boy went in got on his knees and said, "God, if you will give me a brand new bike I will be good for 3 months. Amen." He got into bed and thought to himself, "Man, there is no way I can be good for 3 months!" So he got back on his knees and said, "God, I will be good for 3 weeks if you will get me a new bike." Then he got back in bed and thought to himself, "Man, there is no way I can be good for three whole weeks!" So he got back on his knees and said, "Okay God, I will be good for 3 days if you will just get me a brand new red bike!" Well, he got back in bed and laid there for a few minutes, thinking. Then he looked around his room and saw the statue of the Virgin Mary. He got up took his sheets off the bed, walked over to the statue, put his sheets around it, and then stuck the statue under his bed. He said, "Okay, God, if you ever want to see your mother again, you will get me a brand new red bike..."

A wealth English lady was visiting Switzerland. She was looking for a room and asked the local schoolmaster if he could recommend one. He took her to see several rooms, and when the deal was settled, she went home to make preparations to move. When she arrived home, it dawned on her that she hadn't seen a water closet (bathroom) in the place she was moving. So she dashed off a quick note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a W.C. in the place. But the schoolmaster had no idea what she meant, and in confusion went to the parish priest for help. Together they tried to figure out what W.C. meant, and finally they concluded she must have been referring to the Wayside Chapel in the village. So the schoolmaster wrote her this letter: My Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated 9 miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great number of people expected during the summer months, I suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to know that my daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to every seat usually occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. You will be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it, while those who can afford to go by car, arrive just on time. I would especially recommend your ladyship go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent, and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell donated by a wealthy resident in the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide for plush seats for all, since the people feel it is long needed. My wife is rather delicate so she cannot attend regularly. It is almost a year since she went last, and naturally it pains her very much not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, where you shall be seen by all. For the children, there is a special day and time so they do not disturb the elders. Hoping to be of some service to you, The Schoolmaster

Jesus is walking through a town, when He sees that the townspeople are about to stone a woman to death. He says, "Why are you going to stone her?" A townsperson says, "Because she is a sinner." Jesus boldly proclaims, "Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone." The townspeople look at each other, and then one by one start dropping their stones to the ground. Suddenly a stone comes flying out of the group and conks the poor woman on the head. Jesus yells, "MOM! CUT THAT OUT!"

The pope flies to California to make a speech. He's picked up in a limo and is being driven down the highway, when he thinks how nice it would be to do some driving himself. He rolls down the window and taps the driver on the shoulder, and asks if he can take the wheel. The driver can't exactly say no, so he pulls over and climbs in the back and lets the Pope take the wheel. The Pope grabs the driver's cap and sticks it on his head, then floors the accelerator and shoots down the highway, weaving back and forth between cars at around 100 MPH. A policeman sees the limo and gives chase, finally pulling it over. The policeman struts up to the car, then leans in to ask for his license, then sees the pope sitting there behind the wheel. "Excuse me a minute," he says, and goes back to his cruiser. He gets on the radio with headquarters and says, "Hey, Charlie, I'm not sure what to do here. I just pulled someone over, and it turns out it's someone REALLY important." Charlie at HQ says, "You mean, like, a singer?" The cop says, "No, bigger than that." Charlie says, "An actor?" The cop says, "Nope, bigger than that, too." Charlie says, "You mean a politician?" The cop says, "Nope, bigger still." Charlie says, "Well, who is it?" The cop says, "Actually, I'm not sure. All I know is that he's got the Pope driving for him."

A priest and a nun are lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they come upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepare to go to sleep.  There is a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest says, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as the priest, zipped up in the bag, is beginning to fall asleep, the nun says, "Father, I'm cold." He unzips the sleeping bag, gets up, gets a blanket and puts it on her. Once again, he gets into the sleeping bag, zips it up and starts to drift off to sleep when the nun once again says, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzips the bag, gets up again, puts another blanket on her and gets into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes close, she says, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remains there and says, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun says, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yells out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

There comes a time when Satan is plotting in Hell. "Hmmmm," he thinks, " I bet I could make a better computer program than that good-for-nothing savior Jesus!" So Satan goes to heaven to challenge Jesus. "Jesus," satan says, "we will both create a new windows program. The time limit will be 10 minutes. Whoever's program is better, wins!" So Jesus and Satan take up chairs at opposite GodLight20,000 computers and begin typing. Fingers flying across the keyboards, they both type over 90,000,000,000,000 lines of code a minute. Huge, lengthy lines of code appear on both screens. Just before the 10 minute time is up, the power in heaven goes out. After a few seconds, the power comes back on. "AHHHHHHHHHH," screams Satan, staring at a blank screen. "My Program!" Jesus calmly restarts his computer and looks over at Satan, grinning. "But...you had to lose yours too!" Satan yells. Jesus types a couple of keystrokes and WhirwhirBliip.....His program pops onto the screen. "Huh?" Satan cries. "How?" Then a nearby angel of God replies, "Haven't you figured it out by now? Jesus Saves!"

Abraham comes running home and calls out to Sarah and Isaac, "Look here, I've got Windows 98!". Isaac says, "But Dad, we don't have enough memory." Abraham says to Isaac "Have faith my son, The Lord will supply the RAM!"

Bill Gates dies and heads up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter meets him there and says, "Well, you've led an... interesting life, Bill. To be perfectly honest, we're not quite sure which place to send you. So we're going to let you decide." Gates swallows nervously and says, "okay". St. Peter snaps his fingers and they are instantly transported to a beach with a party. There's lots of alchohol, tons of food, rock music and topless women playing volleyball, and many other "naughty" behaviors going on. Gates says,"Hey, is this heaven? It's GREAT!" St. Peter says,"No, this is Hell. Let me show you what Heaven is like." He snaps his fingers again and they are instantly transported to a peaceful cloudy space. There's a soft breeze and angels and people are floating around playing harps and worshiping the glory and light that is God. Gates says,"Well, this is... nice. But, given a choice, I guess I'll take Hell." St. Peter says,"You got it," and snaps his fingers. Gates is instantly imbedded in molten lava where his skin is flayed off in unspeakable agony. All around him he can hear demonic laughter and the screams of the damned. Bill Gates looks up and shouts,"Hey, it wasn't like this! Where's the beach?Where's the Women? Where's the food and fun?" Just then, satan appears in front of him, in all his horned maliciousness. Satan grins and says, "Oh I'm sorry Bill, but that was the just the demo Version."

A business boss just hired a guy named Bubba for a new job. He says, "So, Bubba, tell me a little about yourself." Bubba says, "Well, for one thing, I know everybody in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says, "No. you do not know everyone in the whole world." But Bubba says, "Yes I do!" Bubba's boss says, "Well, prove it!" Bubba says, "Pick someone... and I know them!" Well, Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says, "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" Bubba's boss says, "No you weren't!" Bubba says, "Yes we were" So they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks, "Well that could happen, it's just one person," So he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!" The boss thinks, then says, "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!" But Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says, "No you weren't!" Bubba says, "Yes, we were!" So they fly to Washington and they catch with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves. "Bill!" and the President waves back. "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks, 'Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!' So he tells Bubba and Bubba says, "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!" And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says, "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" Bubba says, "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" Bubba's boss says, "No, he didn't!" Bubba says "Yes, he did!" So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says, "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what-- I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and he is with Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says, "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" When his boss comes to, he asks, "Boss what happened?!!" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says, "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton...I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks, 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!"

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Forrest Gump dies and shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter approaches him and says, "Hello, I'm Saint Peter, but you can call me Pete." Forrest says, "My name is Forrest Gump, but you can call me Forrest Gump." Peter says, "Well, Forrest Gump. Before I let you in, you must be able to answer two questions." Forrest says, "Well, okay, Pete." Peter says, "First, how many seconds are there in a year?" Forrest thinks for a few minutes, then says, "I do believe that there are twelve seconds in a year." Peter says, "Twelve?" Forrest says, "Why, yes. There's January second, February second, March second..." Peter says, "Okay, I'll give you that. For the next question, what is God's name?" Forrest thinks for a moment, then says, "Why, I do believe His name is Howard." Peter says, "Howard? Where do you get that?" Forrest says, "Why, from the Lord's Prayer. You know...our Father...who art in Heaven...Howard be thy name..."

A woman is making pancakes for her kids, and the kids start arguing over who is going to get the first pancake. Deciding it's a good time for a morality lesson, she says to them, "You know, if Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'let my brother have the first pancake'." One of the brothers looks at the other and says, "Okay, you be Jesus!"

A young girl is standing on a street corner, preaching about God to whoever will listen. A businessman stops to listen, and can't believe what he's hearing. Finally, he interrupts the girl and says, "Excuse me, but are you saying that EVERYTHING in the Bible is true?" The girl responds, "Why, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." He says, "So you're saying that the story of Jonah and the big fish is a true story?" The girl says, "Yes, that's what I'm saying." He says, "Okay, so tell me how Jonah could survive for three days inside of a big fish!" The girl thinks for a moment, then says, "Well...I'm not sure. But when I get to Heaven, I'll ask him." He says, "But what if Jonah went to hell?" The girl says, "Then you can ask him!"

A family goes down south for the holidays, and as they're passing by a church, they spot a nativity scene out front. The almost pass it by when they notice that the wise men are wearing fire helmets. They pull over and ask a local why the wise men are wearing those. "Y'all must not read your Bah-ble much!" says the local. "Why do you say that?" they ask. "Cause, it says right thar in the Bah-ble that the wise men came from a-fahr!"

God gets a call from St. Peter. Peter says, "Umm...hey, God...there's a bunch of people at the pearly gates who are from New York. I've never seen anyone from New York show up at the gates, so I'm not sure what to do." God says, "Oh, go ahead and let them in." Peter says, "Okay," and hangs up. A few seconds later, Peter calls back and says, "God! I just went back to the pearly gates to tell the people they could come in, and they were gone!" God says, "The people were gone? That's strange." Peter says, "No, not the people. The pearly gates were gone!"

Three priests are out in their boat fishing.  One of them says, "Shoot, I forgot to bring the cooler on the boat, and I really feel like a pop."  He stands up, steps out of the boat, walks across the water to the shore, grabs a pop out of the cooler, then walks back to the boat across the water, and steps into the boat. The second priest says, "You know, I feel like a pop, too."  He stands up, steps out of the boat, and walks across the water to the shore, grabs a pop, then walks back to the boat. The third priest is stunned, but figures if they can do it, so can he.  He stand up, steps out of the boat, and SPLASH!  The priest is treading water.  The first priest looks at the second and says, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

There were these once a swamp in which Sam the Frog and Tony the Turtle lived.  There wasn't much to do in the swamp, and so one day Sam decided to open a discotheque for all of the little swamp creatures to party in.  A few hours before the discotheque was set to open, Tony the Turtle died.  Tony found himself in Heaven before God, and asked if God would allow him to go back to the swamp for just a few hours so he could go the disco's grand opening.  God knew that Tony had been a very good turtle and allowed him to go back, on the condition that Tony brought his halo and harp with him so everyone would know he was an angel. Tony had a great time at the disco, and came back to Heaven afterwards, and God noticed that Tony only had his halo, not his harp, with him.  God said, "Hey, where's your harp?" Tony replied, singing, "I left my harp in Sam Frog's disco..."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of First Church for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A man who smelled like a brewery flopped onto the bus seat next to a Catholic priest. The man's tie was stained and askew; His face and collar were smeared with lipstick; and a half-empty bottle of booze was sticking out of his pocket. The man opened his newspaper and began reading, while the priest sat there in silence and pondered what to say. After a few minutes, the drunk turned to the priest and said, "Say, Padre, what causes arthritis?" Sensing an opportunity to make a point, he replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, drinking, running with loose women, and a total disregard for others." "Well, I'll be darned!" Muttered the drunk, and went back to his paper. After the priest had thought a few minutes about what he'd said, he nudged the man and said, "Mister, I apologize. I shouldn't have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "Oh I don't", replied the man. "I was just reading here in the paper that the pope does."

A lawyer died and went to heaven. He was greeted by St. Peter, who was pleased to see him arrive. "Wow, this is exciting. We don't have too many 157 year-olds here in heaven," said Peter. "157?!" exclaimed the Lawyer.  "I was only 63 when I died!" Peter said, "Well, according to the number of hours that you have billed..."

A man and a woman, who were friends for many years, died and went to heaven. They told St. Peter they wanted to get married in Heaven. "Take your time and think about it," said St. Peter.  "You have an eternity to think about it here. I'll send you back to Earth for the time being.  Come back and talk to me about it in 50 years. Fifty years later the couple, now very elderly, returned, and again told St. Peter they still wanted to get married in Heaven. "Take your time and think some more about it," St. Peter said. "Come back and see me in another 50 years, and if we don't have a preacher up here by then, I'll marry you myself.

There was a man who was fed up with modern society, and decided to become a Monk. He checked out a number on monasteries and chose one he liked. The only reservation he had with it was he had to take a vow of silence and could only say two words every ten years. He took the vow and began his first ten years of service without saying a word. At the end of ten long years he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two works he would like to say. His response was "FOOD BAD" And that was it for another long, long, ten years, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After twenty years he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like to say. His response was "BED HARD" and that was it for another long, long, long, ten years, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After thirty years he was brought before the head of the monastery and asked what two words he would like to say. His response was "I QUIT." The head man answered back "You might as well. You've done nothing but complain since you have been here".

A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At one house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me." The next day the card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastors message was another scripture passage: Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself."

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic.  But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:  "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

A common fund raising technique is to persuade wealthy givers to make substantial leadership gifts.  These gifts are used to encourage other givers.  The church leaders decided to pursue this technique and identified several potential leadership givers.  A delegate met with one of these people and said "We have done research and believe that you have the ability to make a substantial gift to the church." "So you've done some research," he said.  "Well, has your research  told you that I have an aged mother confined to a nursing home?" "Uh, no" said the delegate, somewhat sheepishly. "And has your research told you that I have an alcoholic brother who spends all of his paycheck on liquor and leaves nothing for his wife and children?" "No" said the delegate quietly. "And has your research told you that I have a son who was injured in an accident and is unable to work and support himself?" "No" said the delegate, now thoroughly humiliated. "Then what makes you think I would give money to you when I don't give anything to any of them?"

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.  He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.  During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.  Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elder priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional. About a week later the housekeeper went to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose  he took it, do you?"  The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."  So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.  But fact remains that one has been missing ever since your visit." Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read, "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper.  But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

"Dad, I want to ask you a question," said little Josh after his first day of Sunday School. "Of course," said his Dad. "The teacher was reading the Bible, about the Children of Israel building the Temple, the Children of Israel crossing the Red Sea, the Children of Israel making the sacrifices. Didn't the grown-ups do anything!"

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either!!"

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Bikers assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em abusing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and  a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the  Biker Gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor, "How can I relax?" The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor: 1.  Next time sip rather than gulp. 2.  There are ten commandments, not twelve. 3.  There are twelve disciples, not ten. 4.  We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". 5.  We do not refer to the Virgin Mary as "Mary with a cherry" 6.  We do not refer to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost as "Daddy-O, Junior, and Casper". 7.  The recommended grace before meals is not, "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeeeeaaaaaa God!" 8.  David slew Goliath, but he did not kick the crap out of him. 9.  Do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as J. C. & the Boys. 10.  Last but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

These three men show up at the Pearly Gates simultaneously.  Peter asks the first one how he died.  The man says, "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment. So today I was going to come home at lunch and catch them.  Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!  The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!  Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.  And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." Peter turns to the second man and says, "And how did you die?" The man says, "You're not gonna believe this.  I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!  Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, completely unhurt, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" Peter turns to the third man and says, "And how did YOU die?" The man says, "OK. Picture this.  I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?" And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here." The man stopped and pondered some more.  He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replied, "Well, my son, a second to me is like a million years to you." So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little." The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?" And God replied, "Sure...just a second."

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph . . .I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

A pastor was assigned to a new church. He wanted to find out how much the congregation knew, so he decided to ask a simple question. He asked the members what they knew about Easter. The first guy comes up and says, "Isn't that the holiday when everyone comes over and you have this big turkey?" "Uh, no," the pastor says, "That's Thanksgiving." "Oh." Second guy says, "Isn't that the holiday where we get that big tree and..." "Uh, no. That would be Christmas. Hence Christmas Tree." "Oh. Sorry." Finally a young woman comes up and says, "Isn't that the holiday when they put Jesus on a cross?" "Yes," says the pastor, relieved. "Do you know anything else?" "Yes, He died, right?" "Yes. Anything else?" "They took him down." "Yes. Then what?" "Then they put him in a cave, right?" "Yes, then?" "And they rolled a stone in front of it?" "Yes. That's exactly right. Do you know anything else?" "Yeah. He woke up and...oh, now I remember, he rolled the stone away, and then he got out, saw his shadow, and went back inside for 6 more weeks."

A Lutheran minister has died and is at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter arrives and tells him he will now be shown around and then escorted to the room where the Lutherans stay. Passing the first room, St. Peter explains that this is where the Baptists live. The next room they pass is the Presbyterians, then Methodists. As they approach the next room St. Peter puts his finger to his lips in a request for total silence. They creep past the room and the minister notices that the door is closed and there is no window. Safely past, the priest says, "What was that about?" "It's the Catholics," says St. Peter. "They think they are the only ones here."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

A weary traveler comes upon a monastery and is invited in for the night meal and a bed to rest in. It is Friday and, of course, they are having fish and chips. Well, the food is sooo good that the traveler wants to tell the brothers in the kitchen how much he enjoyed the meal. As he steps into to kitchen he sees a man by a huge stove. "Are you the fish friar?" he asks. "No, I'm the chip monk," responds the man by the stove.

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "pity". Spotting the man's dirty cloths, a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church." The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?" The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

The father told his son that he would buy him a new car if he got all A's on his report card, read the Bible all the way through, and cut his long hair. Finally the son brought a report card home with all A's and stated that he had read the bible all the way through. "What about the hair cut?" asked the father. The son replied, "I read the Bible, and Jesus and the Apostles wore their hair long." The father replied, "Then you also know that they walked everywhere."

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.  He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.  I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well...maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible, and Darwin's Origin of Species.  In surprise, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about a minute, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good-looking?" "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?" "So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don`t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?" "So she could love you, my son."

The old preacher was dying at home in his bed. He realized his time was short, so he sent for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. For the longest time, no one said a word. Finally, the doctor spoke up and said, "Preacher, you're not long for this old world, you'd better tell us why you asked us to come." The old preacher mustered up all his strength and in a strained voice said, "Well, Jesus died between two thieves...and that's how I wanted to die."

A priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much, Pastor." replied the one lad "We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys ! Boys ! Boys !" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why, when was your age, I never even thought about sex at all." They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win, Pastor !"

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus.  So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he wasn't really my son, but I raised him." Jesus remembered that Joseph wasn't really his father, but had raised him.  "Anything else?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Remembering His crucifixion, Jesus asked, "Anything else?" "Well, he died, and a spirit brought him back to life. And people all over the world tell his story to this day!" Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

A priest walking down the street notices a young boy on his tiptoes trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.  Although he is trying very hard, the boy is not tall enough to reach the doorbell. After watching the boys efforts for a moment, the priest walks across the street, up the steps to the porch, comes up behind the little fellow, and lifts him up a couple feet. The boy giggles as he gives the bell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" With a mischievous grin he replies, "Now we run!!!"

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"

A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?" "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." She thought about this for a moment, and the asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?" "Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. However, his pride was quickly turned to humility when she asked: "Then which one does God believe?"

A priest is stopped by the police for speeding.  The policeman smells wine on the priest's breath, and says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest says, "Just water." The policeman replies, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister answers, "Good grief, He's done it again!"

During a recent ecumenical meeting, a SECRETARY rushed in and shouted, "Fire! Fire!" The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed. THe BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?" The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil. The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage. THe JEWS posted a symbol on the door hoping the fire would pass. The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself." The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God." The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out. The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded there was no fire. The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chair person who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The PENTACOSTALS bound the spirit of combustion The AMISH formed a bucket brigade. The SECRETARY grabbed a fire extinguisher and put out the fire

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure He's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and He is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer.  "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

A man says to the minister after the service, "Your sermon today reminded me of the peace and mercy of God." The minister was quite flattered and asked the man to explain further. He replied, "It passed all understanding, and it endured forever."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.  Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said: "I've got you both beat.  You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible?   And you know she can't see very well.  So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible.   It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.  He's one of a kind.  Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge...I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes.  And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes.  The chicken was delicious."

A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex. After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also. "Oh, and what is that?" the astronomer inquired. "Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

Two Ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love." The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms of a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel.  Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"

While attending mass one Sunday, a little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

At the conclusion of a sermon, the preacher paused then said to the congregation "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church. This is my last sermon to you." With that he walked away leaving the whole church sitting in stunned silence. Taking their cue the choir all stood and sang the last hymn of the service "What A Friend We Have in Jesus."

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers?  God isn't hard of hearing." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee, laughing, and saying "Cool! What happened next?"

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her.

Little Johnny and Little Mary were talking on day. Little Mary asked "what is the highest number you have ever counted up to?" "I counted up to 1,279 once" Johnny answered. "WOW! Really? Why did you stop at 1,279?" Mary asked. "Because church was over."

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl was worried that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Soon she saw her daughter walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. One followed another, each with the little girl stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called her over to the car and asked, "What are you doing?" The child answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the money. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, but the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. Finally, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving (are you ready for this?!) that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming. Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!" Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!" Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared. He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress." Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the priest.  "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something." So the priest went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir." "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked. "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing." That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

A father was in church with his three young children. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During one particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. One of the man's children, his little-five-year old daughter, was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

An IRS agent paid a visit to the rectory of a church to speak to the Priest. "Father," he said, when he found him, "do you know a Mr. Abner Smithson?" "Well, yes, I do," said the priest. "Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent. "Uh, yes, he is," said the priest. "Why do you ask?" "I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make the $100,000 donation to the church as he has claimed on his tax return?" asked the IRS agent. "Well, of course I would have to check our records," replied the priest, "but if he hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"

An elderly pastor, looking over his large congregation on Easter morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his mesages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

A lawyer and a Pope die at the same time and go up to heaven together. After they've been there awhile, the Pope notices that the lawyer gets a little better treatment than he does. So he calls St. Peter over to ask him why. The Pope says, "You know that lawyer I came up here with? Well, I'm not complaining, but he seems to be treated a little better than I am ... he's got a better house and more servants. I don't understand. I was a Pope and served God all my life; this guy was just a lawyer. What gives?" St. Peter responded, "You have to understand - we get Popes all the time; this is the first lawyer we've ever had."

The Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!" The Pope asks, "what's the good news? The Bishop answers "Jesus has returned to earth!  He's on the phone and wants to speak with you!" "And the Bad News?" The Bishop replies, "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"

A woman had a serious disease and she was taken to the hospital. That night she prayed and asked God if she was going to die. And God said, "don't worry about it. You have 43 years, 5 months, and 7 days to live." Greatly encouraged, she recovered quickly. And she figure that since she had so long to live, she would really live it up. So before she left the hospital, she had a face lift, a breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. And just for good measure, she cut her hair and changed its color. The day she left the hospital, she was hit by an ambulance and killed. Standing before God, she asked, "Why did this happen when You told me I had over 43 years to live?" And God said, "Oops, sorry! I didn't recognize you"

Waiting at the gates to Heaven were three monks. St. Peter approached them shaking his head and told them, "I have bad news and good news.  The bad news is that at the present time we have no room for you but we are adding on and it will be complete in about three months.  The good news is that you may go back to earth as anything you desire." Well the three monks thought about it and the first one said, "I have always wanted to be an eagle soaring over the rockies." So POOF! he was an eagle soaring over the rockies. The second monk said "I have always wonder what it would be like to be a dolpin swing in the open sea." So POOF! he was a dolpin. The third shuffled his feet and looked up and said in a sheepish voice, "I have spent my life denying myself and my desires but I have always wonder what it would be like to be a stud.  I would like to be a stud." So POOF! he was a stud. Now three months later St. Peter called one of the angels and told him he must go find the three monks. The angel ask him where he could find them. Peter told him, "The first two will be easy. One is an eagle flying over the rockies, the second is a dolphin swiming in the sea, but the third is going to be a little tougher.  He's on a snow tire somewhere in Michigan."

Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died.  I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

A pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years towhy people don't go to church, included this list in the Sunday bulletin: TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH 1. I was forced to as a child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else. 3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which is best. 4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped. 5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. 8. I can't spare the time. 9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer. 10. People who make soap are only after your money.

Two cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when the first mentioned to the second that he had a belly ache. The second cannibal asked, "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?" "No," replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary." "Hmm," said the second, "And how did you cook him?" "I boiled him as usual," replied the first. The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a white collar?" "No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding, and wore a brown robe." "Ah ha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem, you shouldn't have boiled him. That was a Friar!"

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns.... Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season's emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope. "Your Holiness," he says, "I've heard that the church has suffered some real financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal that can benefit both of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the church, provided you make one small change in the Lord's prayer. Where it says, 'Give us this day, our daily bread.' Well, I'd like you to consider changing just the end of the line to, 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Pope is taken back. "That's a most unusual request," he says, "but certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering the church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days." When Perdue leaves the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals. "Boys," he says, "I think we're going to have to review the Wonder Bread account."

Father Callahan found himself next to Rabbi Goldberg at a charity function and could not help but notice that the Rabbi was picking at his food as though he suspected it of being less than kosher. Smiling slyly, the good priest whispered, "Come now, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and eat a nice slice of ham?" "At your wedding, Father," said the Rabbi.

Other Humor pages of mine
Britney Is Dead
King David's Ponderables
You Might Be Addicted To AOL If...
You Might Be A Michigander If...
What I've Learned From The Movies

Other Christian and/or clean humor sites
Stuff Mark Lowry thinks is funny
Funnies I've Found
Christian Humor
Random Church Humor
Ship Of Fools
Contact Me if you have any jokes or links for me to add!